(mild language and tongue in cheek humour alert)
Today’s sermon will be from the book of Jobs, Chapter 3, Verse 10, “Fault diagnosis, Booting”.
1. And Jacob, who hath a 2018 MacBook Pro that didst not boot, spoke unto the Genius, “Oh Genius, I hath electricity, the holy spark of fire, and I hath power, for there is light in the board of keys, but the Mac doth have life”. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
2. The Genius, who once hadst a 2017 MacBook Pro and kneweth what a buggere it couldst be when it wantedst to, said unto Jacob, “My child, hath thou checked thine RAM of parameters? For it may be incorrect, or indeed corrupt. Thou shoudst reset, or perchance renew, so that ye may have clean booting.”
3. Jacob didst reset his PRAM, and finding it to be clean, and well rejuvenated, said unto the Genius, “Wise one, the screen is good, and the fruit bright, but still there is no life!”. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
4. The Genius replied, “Go forth and check thine SMC, for it may be dirty, or in need of adjustment.”
5. Upon examining the controller of system management, Jacob didst indeed find it was dirty, and didst reset it, and yet, even after re-seating the cord of power, the Mac still hath the hand of Death upon it. And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
6. “Genius!” exclaimed Jacob. “I hath renewed the RAM of parameters, and hath cleaned and replenished the SMC, but still the Mac hath no life!”
7. The Genius, who really just wanted to get back to cleaning her G4 Cube, replied, “Ye be buggerrede, for it doth sound like thine SSD. Thou shouldst provision thee a createosinstallmedia USB hard disk. Seek ye an Amazon, for there thou shalt find thine salvation!”
8. And Jacob didst say unto the Genius, “Arse. I thoughtst as much.” And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
9. Jacob didst seek an Amazon, but didst not find the USB hard disk that wouldst give his MacBook life. “Genius!” he cried. “They hath not got one! I am lost!”.
10. The Genius sighed. “My child, doest thou not know that a USB stick would probably work too? Hath thou not the slightest bit of bodgery in you? Call yourself a Mac Admin?”
11. The store did indeed hath a USB stick, and upon inserting it the MacBook didst not start, and Jacob wept.
12. And the Genius proclaimed, “Ah crap, it’s Secure Boot, try Internet Recovery.”
13. Jacob didst try the key combination of Recovery and saw that it was good, and did grin.
14. Jacob said unto the Genius, “I hadst lost my faith, but you showed me the path to enlightenment. Canst thou forgive me?”
15. The Genius said unto Jacob, “Thou art forgiven, my child, for the T2 is sent to try you. Make your way to the Dog of Brew this Friday after work, and rejoice with your fellow admins. I might pop by for a pint myself, if it’s nice.”